good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
