she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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