Porn is love you can see.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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