We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
