If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
