I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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