giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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