If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
