He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
