he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
