my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
