We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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