my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
