Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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