I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
