Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So many bounce houses so little time
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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