Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
