next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
