I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
