drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
