Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
