I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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