He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
