$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
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