Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
