Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
