i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
