the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
