I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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