The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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