Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
