Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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