just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
