Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
