i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
