weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
