She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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