I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
