just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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