If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
