There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
