i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
