You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
