Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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