I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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