My friends, they love my intelligence
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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