My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
