This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We're too hungover to prance.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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