Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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