I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
