We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
