Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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