4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
did i walk over a car last night?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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