Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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