glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
