its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
